People often misunderstand what is meant by Sexual Anorexia or they are completely confused when the term is mentioned. The term “Sexual Anorexia” is generally credited to Dr. Patrick Carnes from his 1997 book titled, “Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred”. The meaning of the title becomes clearer after you read the book. However, by changing the context it may be easier for many people to grasp. Think of the term anorexia and what comes to mind? For most people the image of women or young girls who starve themselves to be thin is what comes to mind. Anorexia has been popularized in many books, magazine articles and several movies over the years. If you substitute sex for food you begin to get a picture of what sexual anorexia is all about. People who struggle with Sexual Anorexia can be described as people who have lost their appetite for sexual or intimate activities. Imagine going months or even years without having sex with your husband, no sharing of intimacy, and no meaningful discussions about each others’ needs. There are thousands of couples who fit this description.

So sexual anorexics are people who don’t like sex, right? No, this is not an accurate statement. Going back to our food anorexia example, anorexics in a sense are not depriving themselves of food because they don’t like food. They deprive themselves, in some cases, because their self perception and/or body image is so distorted from the truth that they don’t feel good about themselves unless they are working toward getting thinner. In fact, it is very common for anorexics to binge and then purge. Their self perceptions become so distorted that they view eating food as a breach in their self discipline in the battle against being fat. In a similar fashion, some sexual anorexics binge on sex. On the surface or during a particular time in their life they may even appear to be sexual addicts because they binge on sexual relationships, sexualized television or porn sites and even erotic chat rooms or strip clubs. In reality however, they are sexual anorexics because they either use the deprivation of sex to control others or they only accept sex without emotional or spiritual attachment.

Sexual anorexia isn’t really about sex, per se, it is an intimacy disorder. People who struggle with sexual anorexia have such fears and phobias regarding intimacy that they have severe anxieties about sex and are compulsive in their avoidance of sexual, emotional and spiritual connection with their partners. Anorexics, either relating to food or sex, often view the world in absolutes. Everything is black or everything is white. Research into anorexia related to food is more available. In this case, research suggests that high achieving girls are more apt to become anorexic. This relates to the black and white view of the world. Set impossibly high standards and meet them 100% of the time or you are a worthless failure. Each failure to be perfect reinforces their negative self image and shame and in their mind justifies their self-deprivation. So it is similar with sexual anorexics, they often struggle with perfectionism and feelings of being either all good or all bad. Shame keeps them in a vicious cycle of sexual or intimacy deprivation.

Dr. Carnes suggests that sexual anorexia is often hidden or masked by other excessive behaviors such as compulsive cleaning, overeating, alcohol abuse or drug abuse. It therefore, can be very difficult to identify and often is overlooked when compared to other behaviors. In addition, as a hidden compulsion it may not be perceived as important as an overt compulsion, such as drug abuse. People die from food anorexia because their bodies cannot live without food. People do not die from not having sex, monks and nuns can lead long lives without sex. People who struggle with sexual anorexia often go decades without being able to identify what their actual struggle is all about.

The road to recovery and transformation begins when a person admits to their struggle with intimacy. The key to a successful intimate relationship is to be able to express your authentic self, your true emotional, spiritual, and physical feelings to and for one another.

There is help for those who choose to transform their lives. Sexual Anorexia doesn’t have to define you. There is hope!